Ana Hein

So Much
After Frank O’Hara’s

“Steps” (“oh god it’s wonderful / to get out of bed / and drink too much coffee / and smoke too

many cigarettes / and love you so much”)

I.
Oh!
What’s going on, what’s happening, I don’t – God!

II.
You tell me it’s
what you thought I wanted, and isn’t that just the most wonderful
thing you could say in this situation to
absolve yourself of all responsibility and guilt. Get
your shit together! Get out
of my fucking head. Of
course I’m disappointed. Lying together with you in bed
was a night I’ll never be able to forget and
I bet that’s just a typical Thursday for you. Will you tell this story to another girl
               over a drink

sometime? I think there’s such a thing as too
many stories. How can one person possibly contain so much?

III.
I’m not a big fan of coffee,

but it’s cheap, and
if we’re out, you won’t smoke
as much, so coffee sounds good (beating you at chess was a nice bonus, too).

IV.
How many
times have you held those cigarettes
between your fingers since that night? And

before you say anything: it has nothing to do with love
and everything to do with you.
I will not be kept in your back pocket to be recalled upon command; this story has
             to mean so
much.

Ana Hein is an undergraduate student at Emerson College pursuing a BFA in Creative Writing with minors in Comedy Writing and Performance and Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. Her work has been featured in ConcreteGauge, Emerson College’s Undergraduate Students for Publishing blog, Black Swan, and the Appley 2018 Rising Stars Collection and has won multiple Editor’s Choice Awards from Teen Ink Magazine. She can usually be found buying too many books, singing loudly, wearing red lipstick, complaining about the weather, staring into the void, and generally being very dramatic.

© Terrible Orange Review 2019.